Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
