I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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