my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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