I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
