All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
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