I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
