Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
