im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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