Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
