Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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