can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
