Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
