Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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