When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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