You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
