Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
