My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
