bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
