Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
