God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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