she woke up with a sticky ear
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just puked most of my soul out..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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