I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
