we have pet lesbian snakes
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.