mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
