you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
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So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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