6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
