i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
