i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
