You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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