You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
