I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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