I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
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