I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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