I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
