So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
