I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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