fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
