sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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