How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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