The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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