I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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