If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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