On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
