life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
operation have a gay friend backfired
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
