Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
