i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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