I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
