drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
