the condom got lost in my hair
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
