I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
