Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
