you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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