anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
