Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
