the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
