he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
